Defense Mechanisms That Affect Relationships
by Lynne Namka, Ed.D.
Psychologist and Author
Sigmund Freud said, "The ego expels whatever within itself becomes a
source of displeasure." A defense mechanism is a habitual behavior that
distorts reality to suppress thoughts and emotions that might bring up
ego threat. Defense mechanisms function in life to help us deal with
stress. However the defenses keep people from being real and living
life to the fullest.
Repression is a defense mechanism first described by Sigmund Freud, as a
way that people keep unpleasant memories out of their conscious mind.
Repression is a compensatory style that deals with threat and stress by
blocking unpleasant emotional experiences that might bring up anxiety,
distress and vulnerability. Being split off from feelings is called
alexithymia. Repressors have a chronic inaccessible filter that keeps
them from experiencing the world through their emotions. They feel
attacked and then distance and isolate from others when they are
stressed. They avoid talking about and rehashing unpleasant experiences
as this adds to their stress. They become inaccessible to others when
they feel the problem has been solved by their solution of dismissing
it. They are conflict avoidant and cannot tolerate working things out
to the satisfaction of their partner. They often deny that there is a
problem and have a lack of insight about how their distancing bothers
others.
Repressors have one emotion--from A to A. They can feel and express
anger. Anger is a substitute emotion for the hurt and disappointment
they might feel. Anger takes them out of the emotional flat line and
becomes their dominant emotion. They are stressed by having to deal
with others on an emotional level and change the subject or evade the
issue to keep people who are upset from bothering them. They tend to be
more aggressive and have a higher belief in themselves than most people.
On the positive side, Repressors are often less neurotic than those who
express their feelings easier. They can see events objectively without
emotions clouding up the issue.
Repressors remember fewer negative experiences from childhood. By
minimizing the unhappy events, they distort reality and can even
believe they had a happy childhood when they did not. The research
literature suggest that they protect themselves from discomfort by
superficially taking in negative events. They spend less time
processing unpleasant new events and have the ability to dismiss them.
This defense allows them to experience unpleasant emotions less
frequently than emotionally intense people.
They do not form associations between negative experiences and internal
arousal such as anxiety. They need repeated trials to link a negative
experience with negative emotions. The assumption in the research
literature is that repressors have a lack of emotional links in the
brain which tie negative emotions to experiences.
People who repress their feelings view themselves as "thinkers" and
proudly use their intellect to process information. Talking and problem
solving take preference over feelings. They can be highly analytical
like Mr. Spock of the Starship Enterprise. They often intellectualize
which is trying to explain emotionally painful feelings through thought.
Sometimes they feel superior over people who are more emotional and
dismiss this style of dealing with stress. Often they put people down
who are emotional. They just don't "get" feelings and talking things
out!
Since they do not process their own emotions, they don't have a clue
when it come to understanding emotions in others. They do the worst
with partners who are highly emotional and insist on sharing feelings
and who try to make the Repressor responsible for their anxiety that
remains when there is no clear cut solution to the problem. They do best
in relationships with a partner who leaves them alone and who does not
insist on their engaging in continual emotional discussion. They do
best of all with a partner who does not need closure on problems and has
the ability to sweep conflict under the rug, however that rarely happens
as they more likely to choose partners who are in touch with their
feelings.
Opposites do attract! Remember each style is just a defense mechanism
to deal with stress. Emotional pursuers and emotional distancers are
drawn to each other and thus the great comedy of life begins!
People often see their own attitudes and behavior as "normal" and
overestimate the worst in others. They see others as bad while excusing
the same traits in themselves. They often assume a "False Consensus
Effect" - that others perceive things the way they do. We all have a bit
of projection in us, but some people have the need to blame others big
time, thus obstructing their own growth and learning.
Projection is a common defense mechanism where a person gets upset with
a trait in someone else that he wishes to deny in himself. They
suppress the knowledge that they have the same trait and externalize
blame on the other person. They are highly sensitized to the unwanted
behaviors in others and transfer their horror and anger at their own
unwanted inner trait to an outside person. Much of their internal
thought or words during an argument is focused on blaming the other
person.
People who project blame often feel a hidden stigma and shame at
possessing a disgraceful personality trait so they "project"or transfer
anger on others to distract themselves from knowing the truth about
their own self. They become so highly sensitized to the presence of
their unwanted traits that it interferes with their social informational
processing. So they don't see reality as it is and then operate out of
their misperceptions. How do you know if you are projecting your anger
on others? Preoccupation and judgments about others' behavior is
projection. If you spot it, you got it!
Another form of projection is to transfer the arrows and slings of life
onto "bad luck" or "fate." People who project often have other defenses
such as Overgeneralized Thinking, which is the habit of making
statements that emphasize that things are always that way. Examples of
this type of thinking are: "He never considers my opinion. You always
put me down. She always tells me what to do. I have to do all the work.
I never get a break. Why can't you ever get it right? and "I can't stand
it. I can't take anymore." Overgeneralization language uses words like
"never, always, should and everybody or nobody."
People who blame others frequently have a habit of Focusing on Right And
Wrong and Dwelling on Perceived Injustice. They often say "It's not
fair!" and dwell on the negative. Keeping score of slights from others and
dwelling on them creates a climate of hurt and suspicion. Having a list
of "shoulds" for the partner which are inconsistent with his or her
personality will undermine a relationship. Focusing on unfairness keeps
them caught in anger, resentment and grudges. (Hey, life frequently is
unfair, but focusing on it only makes you more miserable!)
People who blame others or situations without taking responsibility for
their contribution to the problem never get the sense of satisfaction of
growth. By refusing to see their own errors, they lose the opportunity
to change the very aspects of themselves that keep them stuck.
The Narcissistic Stance - "I Want To Feel No Way But Good"
Narcissism, according to Freudian theory, is an irrational belief that the
person they choose for a partner will give them perfect love and make up
for all the hurts and slights of their life. People with narcissistic
thinking and behavior strive to defend their fragile self esteem through
fantasy and have a huge blind spot in their way of thinking. Fantasy
and unrealistic expectations take the place of life. People with
narcissistic tendencies have other defenses and errors in thinking such
as denial, repression of feelings, black and white thinking and
externalization of blame. They are often rigid and have a strong need
to be right. They feel an increase in self esteem when they get what
they want and feel no remorse at using others. They are supersensitive
to criticism and either attack the other person or they leave the scene.
They can pout and give the silent treatment or hold grudges. This
combination of these defenses which distort reality often set them up
for failure in partnerships.
Now we all have a bit of narcissism and indeed need some of it to
survive. Otherwise we would end up giving away everything. Getting a
good balance between taking from others and giving to them is called
"Healthy Narcissism."
People with severe narcissistic traits long for ideal love that will
take care of their fragile sense of self and give them unconditional
love. The yearning for getting unconditional love is a unresolved need
left over from childhood. Most adults realize unconditional love would
be nice. It rarely happens as people we love usually hold us accountable
for our actions in some way. People with narcissistic traits distort
their self image (again in fantasy to believe that they are superior to
others). They think too well of themselves as a defense to cover up
their sense of shame deep within. Grandiosity is a distortion which
prevents them from blaming themselves and becoming depressed or
disintegrated.
The two greatest fears we humans have in relationships are fears of
engulfment (smothering, being controlled by someone else) and fears of
rejection and abandonment. And to spice up the human drama, our
greatest longings are the needs for connection and the opposite need for space
and individuality. What a set up for problems! And so the couple dance
is set playing out these great, universal themes. People with
narcissistic traits play both these fears out in the relationships with
their significant others, yearning for closeness and fearing it the same
time.
In the narcissistic mind, there is a gap between the idealized love and
the actual day-to-day dealings with their partner. They long for
symbiosis with the idealized love to stabilize the self, but they fear
being traumatized by the partner. They seek refuge in being seen as the
good guy and try to gain approval and recognition. When this does not
come forth readily, they feel wounded, hurt and attacked. Constantly
seeking attention and approval puts them in the precarious position of
always needing something from somebody else.
As they believe that they are right and others are wrong, they rarely
admit to faults in themself. They are not interested in reading self
help books and pooh-pooh feelings. They do not want to come to therapy
and often have the myth of "I can do it all by myself" while it is
apparent to others that they cannot.
Fantasy is an attempt to process information, emotions and unresolved
pain to make up for what they did not have in childhood. They place
unrealistic demands on others to make them feel better. J. S. Bernstein
defined this defense as a person's "Learning to feel no way but good
and to demand success when he did not feel good." They cannot tolerate
negative emotional distress and turn it on others (project) by saying
they are bad. They insist on having things their own way which is an
unreal attitude that sets others off against them. When they don't get
what they want, they feel devalued. Since they cannot tolerate the
feelings of fear, hurt, anxiety,
helplessness and despair, they defend against them. They deny and
rationalize their own contribution to the problems to preserve their own
internal fantasy of being all good and right.They also suffer from the
Repressor and Projection defenses described above. Narcissistic people
always are Repressors, but not all Repressors are Narcissistic.
Narcissists have a lack of insight about understanding and processing of
feelings. Instead, they deny their feelings and run from them. They
avoid
taking risks to love and never learn to develop true intimacy. They
would
rather threaten their relationship than face humiliation, embarrassment
or injury to their self esteem. They are slow to learn the all important
skills of commitment such as sympathy, understanding the intentions and
motives of their partner, compassion and empathy. They may even choose
someone to love who is even more narcissistic and selfish than
themselves thus mirroring their own problems.
True intimacy and a lasting partnership require the skills of dealing
with conflict. After the euphoria of a new relationship wears off, each
partner's values and belief systems begin to rub against each other. At
this point negotiating conflict is necessary for the relationship to
continue effectively. Narcissistics often discount the issues in the
relationship and pull away from their partner. The narcissistic
defenses of becoming angry, shutting down, minimizing and distancing
keep them feeling safe in the moment. But the partner becomes highly
threatened and angry thus weakening the relationship.
The antidote to narcissistic behavior is to understand how the defenses
work, identify and correct the errors in thinking and learn to tolerate
frustration, anxiety, sadness and shame. By learning to be straight
first with the self, and then with others, these unhealthy defense can
be lessened. Then the person can learn to live in the world of reality
even though it hurts at times instead of turning to a fantasy which can
never be gained. For more understanding on this topic, read Narcissism
and Intimacy: Love and Marriage in an Age of Confusion by Marion
Solomon.
With hard work, people with narcissistic defenses can learn conflict
negotiation and appropriate, safe anger expression. Education, self
searching and therapy is needed to resolve these defense mechanisms
which interfere with the ability to be happy. As they can learn to
become more real with their feelings, they will gain self esteem by
stretching and growing, even if it means being vulnerable to
uncomfortable emotional states. As these skills are learned, they can
achieve more satisfying and balanced relationships with others.
Lynne Namka is a happy psychologist based in Tucson, AZ, and the author of many books to help
people live satisfying lives. Her latest book is on conscious aging for
older women called A Gathering of Grandmothers: Words of Wisdom from
Women of Spirit and Power which is available at Amazon.com and
BarnesandNoble.com. Email her at lnamka@earthlink.net or call 520-825-4766. Visit her website at http://www.angriesout.com/
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