RelationshipsBased on Truth,
Love & Light
by Ann Jarvis
Holistic Therapist
I grew up in a household with a mom and dad who loved my sister and me dearly. We had fun, we played games and we were taken places to celebrate the diversity that this wonderful planet has to offer. From that regard, my childhood was normal and nice. But as an eternal love-seeking lightworker, I was an ardent observer; many of you can relate to this. I watched and I took it all in, day by day. And as there is no such thing as perfect parents, I had many rich learning experiences through them. My parents were (and still are) my two best teachers in this world.
When I was 13 years old, my parents went their separate ways. At the time, I was relieved. I was relieved that I didn’t have to hold my breath any longer waiting for the “other shoe to drop.” Their separation was somewhat messy at first simply because they parted with unfinished business, and that’s always messy. Eventually they became friends and now they visit and talk on the phone and laugh with one another. After all was said and done, they were my “Relationship Angels.”
When I got married it took very little time before the crap hit the fan. In fact, whether you admit to this or not, the minute anyone puts a ring on their finger you are setting the stage for the crap to hit the fan at some point. This is the whole point of relationships; specifically marriage. Relationships are for healing; plain and simple. Reality is a mirror for literally every breath, thought and action we take. So it goes without saying that relationships are also a mirror for us; they just happen to mirror us right in our face, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Yikes.
I would say that 99.9% of all relationships and marriages have the following undercurrent firmly in place: “I’ll take care of you, if you take care of me.” Wouldn’t you agree? To put it bluntly, which I’ve been known to do, most women marry their fathers and most men marry their mothers. How gross is that? But seriously, we say that our spouse is our best friend and we say that our lovers are free to manage their own lives but we’re lying when we say that. How many of you know couples who live with the following scenarios:
Woman: Do you really need that 12th beer?
Man: Hey…where’s my car keys? I’ve lost them again. (I love this one)
Woman: Not tonight sweetie, I’m flossing the dog’s teeth.
Man: Don’t worry about who’s winning the game sweetums, you’re not interested anyway…and I’m wondering…how about that 12th beer?
We are not friends with our lovers and spouses. Think of the actual friendships that you have. Think of the energy of those relationships and interactions. When my friends make decisions that I would not, I accept it. I accept it because there is no attachment to what kinds of decisions my friends make. Why? Because I don’t own my friends.
Let that settle in for a moment.
We are taught and modeled, out of unconsciousness and generational patterning, that we own our spouses. We are taught that how our spouses behave affects us greatly so we must coerce them to behave according to our own guidelines and values. We are taught that we should have sex with our spouses 3.2 times per week because that’s how they do it in the movies. We are taught that the only exciting sex is lascivious sex; sex that involves a brand new lover or someone else’s lover. Let’s face it…married sex is just plain boring. We are taught that we are accountability partners rather than partners.
When we go into a relationship with the energy, “I’ll take care of you if you take care of me,” we instantly begin to breed resentment. We breed resentment because we’ve already been parented and for most of us, that went over like a lead balloon. And so when our husband says, “You can’t buy that, it’s too expensive,” we actually see our fathers controlling us and treating us like little girls. And when the woman says, “you can’t be serious…you’re wearing that out tonight with our friends?” men actually see their mothers criticizing them; again. And then what happens? They start to resent the other. They start to feel controlled by the other. They start to hate the other.
So, how do we change this archaic method of loving one another? For those of you who haven’t yet created a relationship with someone, you are fortunate in that you can start anew. Go into every single relationship with everyone in your life as your FRIEND. Friends accept, nurture and laugh with one another. Friends listen and learn from one another. Friends are detached from each others goals and values and behaviors because they know that at the end of the day they have only themselves to whom they are accountable. They are nobody’s victim. The way my friend behaves is about her and has nothing to do with my place in this world. But if I love her and share similar visions with her then I will walk beside her with freedom, and she will walk beside me in freedom. Picture for a moment having that energy in your relationships.
Now, for those of you who are already in a relationship (and therefore have already subscribed to: I’ll take care of you if you take care of me) you need to begin by dissolving the relationship or marriage within your mind. This is not a literal dissolution of the relationship. It is an energetic end to the former relationship. Let it go, wish it well and literally dissolve it. You can create an actual ceremony around this or you can simply state to the Universe, “The marriage or relationship that I have been involved with up to this point is done. I let it go with love and gratitude for it has taught me so much. I now invite and welcome only love. Love is acceptance. Love does not judge. Love does not own or control or coerce. Love nourishes, supports and lets go over and over and over again. This is my new reality.”
The title of this article is, "Relationships Based on Truth, Love & Light". So, the Truth is, you can never truly own or take care of anyone who is adult and capable. The Truth is you can only do this for yourself. We need more people in this world who care for themselves only. Ironically, they are much more capable of giving more of themselves within this world. Love is unconditional; or at least that is how the Universe intended it. This is simple. Enough said. Light is another word for awareness. The only person in your world who can create awareness and embody more and more light is you. When you begin ‘leading by example’ rather than telling your significant other how to do it, you up your authenticity one thousand-fold.
The New Age movement, also being wrought with “shoulds and shouldn’ts,” has made us believe that if we are on a spiritual path, then our spouses must also be on the spiritual path in order for it to work. This is simply not true. Firstly, if you exist, you are on a spiritual path. Secondly, love is love. It has no value, no good, better or best. There is no duality within love. Oftentimes people make this aforementioned claim so they have a reason to stay in an otherwise finished relationship. In other words, the contract between the two people has come to an end but “because he or she is spiritual” I couldn’t leave! Or, by contrast, this claim is made as an excuse to leave a relationship. More couples walk away with unfinished business than stay together. You know when a ‘contract’ between two people has truly come to completion because all that is left is love. The parting of ways occurs with grace and gratitude.
So, the next time you come to an impasse with your significant other, ask yourself, “What would love do in this situation?” and watch how your world changes.
Ann Jarvis is an Wholistic Therapist and Teacher who practices Energy Healing, Belief Therapy and Spiritual Healing. Ann is in private practice in Orillia, Ontario. Through Ann’s own personal experiences, she has explored, in great depth, the pathways of humanity and well-being. Ann works intuitively with an experienced and heart-centered approach. She has had in-depth training and life experience as a facilitator of healing. Ann believes that we are all inherently joyful and that well-being is our birthright. It is through Ann’s guided facilitation that people are able to re-member who they are and why they are here. And this is always a joyful journey!
Ann can be contacted at (705) 327-4486 or can be reached by email at: ann.jarvis@rogers.com. Visit her ByRegion profile page at http://annjarvis.byregion.net