Avoiding Relapse: Catching Your Inner Con
by Lynne Namka, Ed.D.
Psychologist and Author
Your Inner Con is absorbed in totally protecting and preserving itself. It feeds your fixation and agonizes about not being complete without that activity or addiction that harms you. It seduces, swindles and victimizes you to go against yourself and your better nature. It divides your psyche and creates mistrust in yourself. Its purpose is to keep hounding you until you weaken and give in.
Your Inner Con is a master of lies to persuade you to do unhealthy things. It is a fear-based part of you, but it is not who you are. That treacherous Con is an ego part, which acts out of negativity and fear. Here are some of the parts of you who make up this Con.
Your Inner Pusher Who Pushes You to Exhaustion, Then Pushes You to Use
The Pusher is your workaholic part that compensates fatigue by using. The Pusher part rationalizes, "I've worked hard so I can. It's Friday night and this has been a long, hard week. I deserve to. I'm not having fun anymore living sober, so I'll ..."
Your Inner Victim Who Feels Sorry for Your Self Because You Can't Use
Your Inner Victim is a sniveler who argues that nothing ever works for it. It whines. It snivels. It says things like, "Sobriety is miserable. I never get to party anymore. It's not fair. Why can't I drink like everyone else? If I can't use, I don't want to do anything. I can't cope. I've just got to use to deal with my rotten life. Poor me, I can never get high again."
Your Inner Narcissist Who Feels Entitled to Using
The constant theme of being overly self-involved is "I owe me a good time." This part boasts, "I deserve to use to feel good. I'm entitled to go out and have a few laughs. I can handle it. I ought to be able to go out and party." Your Inner Narcissist searches for whatever reason it can find to fill up that empty place inside with addictions.
Your Rebel Who Feels Good About Being Bad
The Rebel thinks of the appeal of taking risks and living life on the edge. Fueled by excitement of the chase, your Rebel throws common sense and caution to the winds. The headiness of rebellion rushes you down that fast lane to excess. It says, "I'm born to be wild. What they say is stupid. Using is fun. Partying is where I'm at. I will never walk the straight and narrow path even if it kills me." It when you were a child who hated being controlled by authority. Now it has become your controller.
Your Justifier Who Looks for Others to Blame
Blaming others for your problems keeps you in victim thinking at the expense of others. Virtually anything said followed by "That's just the way I am" is denial. Watch your two-part sentences that have the word "but" or "because" in them, which contain rationalizations. You speak the truth in the first half of the sentence, and then state your denial in the second half. These end up being blame statements as you try to avoid responsibility for your own choices. "I know I shouldn't have gone out partying, but I needed a break from work. It's okay for me to have an affair, because my spouse nags me. I didn't want to go gambling at the casino, but she talked me into it.""
Your Minimizer of the Negative Memories of Using
Amnesia for the bad times can set in. The negative consequences of those using times become fuzzy. You forget the hangovers, the missed days of work, the shame of the DUI and the wrecked car. You block out the disappointed look on your child or spouse's face. You forget your discouragement, and the broken promises to yourself. Your Con tells you to go for the high, the buzz, and the thrill. You gloss over the bad, the desperate and the ugly.
These are only a few of the nasty characters who make up the Con. But wait! You also have some positive aspects of yourself to count on.
Your Inner Characters Who Help You Achieve Sobriety
These parts of you are positive and rooting for recovery. You are not in this noble fight all alone. You have many resilient parts of you that will help you stay straight. These life-affirming parts help you prevent relapse. They know just the right things to say to cut off that nasty Con thinking. Give power to these positive characters, and you will give power to your life.
Your Inner Distracter can woo you elsewhere. Get busy. Change your mental channel. Get your mind on your prevention tools to keep from thinking about using. Remember what has worked in the past to get you through the craving.
Have Your Inner Drill Sergeant yell, "Move, move, move!" Respond with positive action. Move on. Get out of your lonely space. Leave any setting that promotes the substance or unhealthy activity.
Your Inner Problem Solver can nudge you to get some help. Ask yourself, "Who can I call to get me through this? Call several people and talk the rough time through. Keep calling safe people to get through this danger zone. Foster a good support system for staying sober. Talk out uncomfortable feelings. We all get by with a little help from our friends.
Your Turnabout Part Turnabouts are things you tell yourself to get yourself back on the right track. Turnarounds are words that you say to turn your common sense back on! They remind you to take responsibility for the choices you make. "I'm the one who decides to go out partying. I make choices for myself no matter what anyone else chooses to do. No one can talk me into anything. I can choose recovery or being controlled by my addiction."
Choosing Responsibility and Feeling Good About It
Give up the charade of rationalizing, minimizing and justifying using. Your chance for happiness is connected to your ability to admit what needs changing in yourself. Catch yourself in the dishonorable act of evading personal responsibility. Use your sense of truth and honesty to own up to your mistakes and slips ups. Make your life accountable for your actions and watch how your self-esteem soars! Watch out if you hear yourself say, "I gotta have it now!"
You always have more choices than you think. If you think you have only one choice, you are conning yourself again big time! Having only one choice of running toward your addiction full force is like wearing horse blinders. Open up your choice field. Feel good to be responsible for making good choices for your life.
Remember to Remember
If your mind starts messing with you about how great using is, remember to remember. Remember the truth of how miserable you were when using. Keep your mind on the negative consequences of your addictive behavior.
Don't kid yourself. Don't pull an Inner Con. Remember the bad things about using. Remember how you kept your life in turmoil by chasing your addiction. If your addiction didn't work in the past, it won't work for you now. If it was bad for you in the past, it will be bad for you in the future.
Addictions are about having a primary relationship with a bottle, a drug or an unhealthy activity. Your primary relationship should be with yourself and your loved ones. The process of recovery is having a real relationship with all that life brings. Experiencing all. Showing up, suiting up and doing the work. Hard work to be sure, but you are worth it.
Addictions are always about loss‹the loss of your identity. This Con is not who you are. Remember the important things. Valuing yourself and having pride are the best choices. Remember how satisfying a life free from addiction is. Remember who you are. You are love. Whatever the fear, whatever the discomfort, whatever the craving, find the love solution. Remember to remember.
Lynne Namka, Ed. D., a psychologist who helps individuals with personal and spiritual growth issues, is the author of The Doormat Syndrome, a book on co-dependency and The Mad Family Gets Their Mads Out, and How to Let Go of Your Mad Baggage. Her latest book on conscious aging is A Gathering of Grandmothers: Words of Wisdom from Women of Spirit and Power. She has an award winning web site on anger management at http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/index.htm Amazon.com and BarnesandNoble.com carry all of Lynne's books.